Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
