Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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