Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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