I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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