Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
