i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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