Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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