Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
