She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
