Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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