I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
