I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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