today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I have feelings that need drinking.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
