when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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