Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
