Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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