she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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