I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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