Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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