when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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