Even water is tasting like jack daniels
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
