I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
