I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
As shirtless as possible
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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