I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
