I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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