dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
