I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
