just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
