fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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