There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
