Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
