i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
