yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just found puke in my bra..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
