She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
