I cannot find my penis.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize