update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
