I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
