ya dads aren't the best wingmen
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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