Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
