Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize