Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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