the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
