There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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