Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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