11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
