get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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