Michael Bay diarrhea
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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