I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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