i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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