my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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