You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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