Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
