Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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