I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
