the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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