GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
