I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
