just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
