Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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