i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
