I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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