the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We left an ass print on the piano.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
