Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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