I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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