I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
