woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
