Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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