I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
