I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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