when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
