**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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